Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
