No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
