I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I need a burrito and a hug.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
