the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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