Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
