Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
