I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize