I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
