I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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