he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
