maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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