I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
