glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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