I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
