dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
