I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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