I am puke
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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