True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Randomize
