matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
