Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
