i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
