Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Someone came in the potted fern
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
