god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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