dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
