i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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