my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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