My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
