Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
