I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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