i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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