Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
