At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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