We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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