what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize