Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
