I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
