If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
