Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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