I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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