are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
