I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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