Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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