All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
