Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
