Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
