I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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