He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize