remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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