i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
