He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
