She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
