one word: firstdatebathroomanal
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
