when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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