That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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