i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
