My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
