Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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