I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
